Fat Troll

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What if the Big Game Blogs Were Characters From Revenge of the Nerds

Restate my assumptions: One, the internet is the language of nature. Two, everything around us can be represented and understood through comparisons to 80′s comedies. Three, if you compare the characters in 80′s comedies to the characters on the internet, patterns will emerge. Therefore there are patterns everywhere in nature.

 

Scary

 

It only makes sense, then, that  the characters in Revenge of the Nerds can be compared to the major gaming blogs. The internet, after all, is not so unlike college – the game sites are the nerds, the porn sites are the jocks, and the Google is the dean. But if each of the five major game sites were members of Lambda Lambda Lambda, which one would they be?

 

IGN / Gamespot – Lewis Skolnick

I’m putting these sites together. Why? Because one, It’s been four years since I’ve read either of them, and two, because they’re both basically like online storefronts, replete with video ads (oop, sorry, “content”) and booth babes (oh sorry “correspondents”). Skolnick’s a similar type of sell out. I mean, from the start, Skolnick just wants to fuck Betty, and he doesn’t care how. He basically impersonates a jock to do it, in a scene that could probably be best described as a rape. Sure, he reps nerds after he bones her, but that’s only cuz nerdism was becoming hot on campuses again by the end of the movie. Prior to that, he couldn’t even admit that he was a nerd. He’s a shameful opportunist. Even the name Skolnick is, according to Ancentry.com, the “Americanized spelling of Jewish Shkolnik.” Skolnick was always just looking to fit in with the mainstream, kind of like IGN/Gamespot.

Revenge of the Nerds video games

I bet he's planning something sexual

 

1UP / Giant Bomb – Gilbert Lowell

1UP is the nerdy, JRPG-and-manga-loving side of the IGN office that actually thinks games journalism is a thing. Giant Bomb was started by a former Gamespot editor that got fired for saying Kane and Lynch was shit. In their own ways, they’re both nerdy offshoots of the megalithic sites (although 1UP’s roots go deep, to the EGM days), they both choose to look into a few things well then look into everything at once, and they both benefit from cults of personality, with Jeff Gerstman, the aformentioned Gamespot editor, ruling Giant Bomb with an iron Power Glove, and Jeremy Parish reigning as Grand Wizard of 1UP’s colorful clan. That’s because, like Gilbert Lowell, Jeff and Jeremy are nerd’s nerds. From the start of the movie, Gilbert’s dedication to nerdism is unquestionable – the man sleeps with a pocket protector, for god’s sake – and by the end he rises as chief nerd spokesman. Gilbert even looks like Parish, though as you can see the general demeanor of today’s nerd is far more aggressive than the gentle naivety of the 80′s version:

Today Gilbert would have a podcast and a site and be fired up, too

 

Destructoid – Dudley “Booger” Dawson

Booger loves to gross people out, and the same can be said for Destructoid. From review scores so low they even shake the trolls to the sideshow that is Jim Sterling, Destructoid loves to be extreme. As a side note, I originally wanted to rate each of the sites just so I can give Destructoid a 6/10 and say the site is above average, at least as good as the Witcher 2, and better than Sonic Colors, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, and Assassin’s Creed II.

If I made a wrestling game, it would have matchups like this

 

Kotaku, Kill Screen – Lamar Latrell

Like the only gay, black, and gay-black character in the Lambdas, Lamar’s always been a little different, kind of like Kotaku and Kill Screen. They don’t give scores in their reviews, they don’t get into penis-waggling contests about the best games of all time, the love games you’ve never heard of, and they’re always critical about equality. They’re like the hipsters of the game sites, meaning their closest parallel is the gay guy:

I looove that detachable piece at the top of your k's, Kotakute!

 

Brainy Gamer, Joystiq – Pointdexter

These sites think they’re so smart. Brainy Gamer speak almost in code to the outsider, referencing ludology, level design theory, and UI stuff, while Joystiq prattles news like a supercomputer. They can’t quite connect to the mainstream, but that doesn’t stop them from getting laid. And when it comes to shine, they always steal the spotlight:

Edge Kill Screen Joystiq

Genius

 

And that’s it. If you want next I’ll tell you which of the porn sites are which type of Jock.

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